I was in a pet shop the other day when I noticed a muslim girl with the most amazingly coloured parrot on her shoulder.

"Where did you get that from" I asked?

"Christmas Island Australia, There's thousands of them" the parrot replied..

And Last, but not least - LEEMO as a kid :P

The magic of makeup

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...


No, wait ... SORRY!

I'm thinking of beer.

It's beer that does all that.

Never mind

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet

above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes southlatitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Liberal Coalition supporter”.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Labor supporter."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.

You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in

before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

GIRL: I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that’s not a nice thing to call anyone, so. What did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my bra.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that’s no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: The BASTARD!

Funeral Expenses

Gillard goes on a State visit to Israel. While she is on a tour of Jerusalem she has a fatal heart attack.

The Undertakers tell the OZ diplomats: "You can have her shipped home for $1 million or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $1000."

The OZ diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the Undertaker and tell him they still want Gillard flown home.

The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million to get her home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in this religious country and you would only spend $1000?"

One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here, was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply can't take that risk".