I got done a bewdy by autocorrect the other day.....

Autocorrect turns "crabbing", into "cranking".

Not the best when you text the missus telling her you're going "crabbing" with the boys after work.....

awesome love it! ..specially the txt and the cofffffeeeee :)

In the worst storm of the century, with freezing 90 kph winds and blinding rain, a condemned murderer was being marched 5 kilometres to his place of execution.

He started yelling at his two prison guards: “This is bullshit, being made to march in this shitty weather just to be shot!"

One of the guards yelled back: “You inconsiderate pr ick, think of us: we have to march back!!"

A Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant.”

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think it's the second coming?".

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one......."

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, Australia’s Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

...Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian!

Just got back from a holiday in Thailand. Got so close to shagging a ladyboy. Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady! It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time I thought "Hang on a fuckin minute!?..."

Once upon a time a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "will you marry me"

The Princess said NO and the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and shagged big titted broads and hunted and fished and went to naked girlie bars, dated women half his age and drank piss and whiskey, and never heard any bitching, and never paid child support or alimony, and shagged cheerleaders and kept his house, boat and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work, and all his family and friends thought he was phucken cool as hell and had tons of money, went fishin whenever and left the toilet seat up.

The end.

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “Fuck that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”

haha a few good ones this week

Three mates sitting at the bar. An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie.

The Italian – When I finish maken a love to my girlafriend, I go downa gently and tickela back of the kneesa…. She floatsa six inchesa abovea da bed in ecstasy!

The Frenchman adds – You sink zat is good. When I finish with ze girl, ah kiss her all ze way down her body and zen lick the soles of ze feet, she float 12 inches above ze bed in ecstasy!

The Aussie – Oh mate, that’s nothing… When I finish ridin my bird, I wipe my knob on the curtin and she hits the f*@king roof!!!
 

The Prime Minister of Australia Julia Gillard walks into a Perth bank and asks to cash a cheque for $2000..
Teller: "No problem madam. Could you please show me your ID."?

Gillard: "Well, I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need.
After all, I am the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard"

Teller: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, I must insist on seeing ID."

Gillard: "Just ask anyone here who I am and they will tell you. They all know who I am."

Teller: "I am sorry, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Gillard : "Is there some other way around this?"

Teller: "Look, here's what we can do: a while ago now, Greg Norman walked into the bank
without ID. To prove he was Greg Norman he pulled out his putter and a golf ball
and trickled it ten metres across the floor into a cup. Then we were sure he was
Greg Norman and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Pat Rafter came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and
lobbed a tennis ball fifteen metres - right into my coffee mug. After that spectacular
shot we cashed his cheque.

So, what can you do to prove to me that you are really the Prime Minister of Australia?"

Gillard stands, deep in thought for what seems like minutes then finally says:

"My mind's a complete blank. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing"

Teller: "Would fifties be OK, Prime Minister?"

i was talking to a girl in a pub the other night and i said "you remind me of my little toe" she said "is that because i'm small and cute" i replied " no because i'll probabaly end up banging you on my coffee table"

 HaHa...some gold there. Not too keen on old J'Gills there Adam!

Racism is up 110%

 And everyone is loving it 

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she Bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and Reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's 50 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sakeof decency, here's 20 quid. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes Her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."