Spider-Man is gold haha

There is a God........
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snfSgi8_Cl4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zd7c5tQCs1I&feature=youtube_gdata_player

It pains me to say it but this is funny...

Ritchie McCaw goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit down. "What's up guys?" he asks.

"Well Ritchie, to be honest we're having all sorts of trouble getting motivated for this game against Australia . We know it's important but we've just beaten Argentina and South Africa in consecutive weeks and, let's be honest, it's only the Aussies this week. They're crap and we simply can't be bothered".

Ritchie looks at them and says "Okay guys, I hear what you're saying. The way I've been playing recently, I reckon I can beat these Aussies by myself. Why don't you fellas go down to the pub, have a few jars and maybe catch it on telly. I really think I can do this by myself"

The rest of the team reckon it’ll work and they agree. So Ritchie goes out to play the Wallabies by himself while the rest of the ABs go off for a few pots. After a couple, they begin to wonder how the game is going, so they get the barman to put the telly on.

A huge cheer goes up as the screen reads (after 10 minutes): "New Zealand 7, (McCaw, converted try) -- Australia 0”

Dammit, he's actually beating Australia all by himself. Surely he can't do it, can he?

Anyway, a few more beers later, the telly goes off and the game is temporarily forgotten until someone suddenly remembers, "Heck, It must be full time now, let's see how Ritchie got on". They get the telly put back on and look on eagerly.

There on the screen is the result: Full-time from Eden Park,: New Zealand 7, (McCaw, 1 converted try); Australia 7, (Sharpe, 1 try, Cooper 1 conversion.)

They can't believe it! It's a draw. Ritchie v Australia and he single-handedly managed a draw against the Aussie Wallabies!

Delighted, they rush back to Eden Park to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, slumped over with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down guys," he mumbles disconsolately. "I'm so sorry, but I've really let you down."

"Don't be an idiot skipper; you got a draw against Australia, all alone, all by yourself. And they only scored a single try, right at the death, after 79 minutes!”

"No, no, I have" says Ritchie. "I've let you down. I hope you can forgive me. Twenty minutes from full time, I got sent off!"

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:




"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse."

Is everybody clear on that?

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident.

He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.

I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da flock would you say?'

A Muslim couple in Peckham Rye , preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave. The man asks, "We realize
it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man..

"No problem," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah.. "Go for it!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!"

"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot
oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"

"You may indeed!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No.." says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"It could lead to dancing."

The heat from the fire was comforting as the three electric bars glowed brightly in their metal cage. Nora peeked across the room over the rim of her Reader's Digest. Gerald was snoring lightly, with his half-moon spectacles balanced on the end of his nose, a thin ribbon of drool sliding down his chin onto the edge of his striped pyjamas. His half-read newspaper had fallen to the floor, and the cat had curled up on top of the unfinished cricket scores. She closed her book, turning over the corner of the page she had been reading so as not to lose the article on herbaceous borders, and placed it down next to her half -drunk Horlicks. Nora slid out of her chair, and grabbed the armrest.
Carefully kicking off her sheepskin slippers and, sliding her wheeled table out of the way, she hitched up her velvet dressing gown and padded towards him. She slid her hand under his pyjama top, rubbing his arm gently.. He smacked his lips together, as though he could taste the cod in parsley sauce they had for supper. His eyes flickered open and he squinted at the light and the looming shadow in front of him. Gerald could see she wanted him to follow her.

He took off his glasses and placed them on the coffee table as he rose out of his chair, his knees and back cracking as he straightened up.
She reached forward and grabbed the long-shaft of his walking stick, gnarled and rough, and placed it in his hand. Nora began to negotiate the stairs, gripping the banister, the light from the landing highlighting grey roots in her blue rinse. Gerald could hardly wait to get to bed; he settled onto the green padded cushion of his Stannah stair lift and flicked the button, slowly ascending towards her waddling behind as she stumbled up the last two steps. Nora padded into the bathroom as Gerald sank down on the edge of the double divan.
She returned after a few moments, passing Gerald a cold and cloudy glass of tap water into which he dropped his teeth with a quiet splash. She placed her own glass onto the bedside table and removed her top denture, dropping it into the glass and adding the cleaning tablet with a plop and a fizz.

Gerald had already slid under the 15-tog duvet and was smoothing out the wrinkles on his V-pillow Nora slipped her shoulders out of her gown and placed it next to the commode, then slid under the paisley polyester, her hand brushing Geralds as she fumbled for the TV remote.
Gerald gripped the handrail as he slid open the drawer under the dimly lit touch lamp and pulled out a blister pack of Viagra, his face falling as he realised it was empty. He could've sworn there were a couple left. Nora smiled to herself as she pressed the remote and the TV flickered into life on the opening credits of Question Time. She sank back into the memory foam pillow and her eyes glinted happily knowing that Gerald would not be able to get another doctors appointment until late next week and that the little blue pills dissolving in the U-bend of the toilet would be completely gone by the morning.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=nr9KrqN_lIg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vru14QQDlLI I reckon this is one the best I've seen on you tube. Hope the link works.

Irish Mirror
(I hope this brightens up your day)
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image

staring back at him.
'How ‘bout that! he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the
mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's running around with