Friday Funnys
Submitted by ledge64 on Fri, 2011-12-02 07:15
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Tony Halliday
Posts: 2500
Date Joined: 14/06/07
A Soldier’s Wife Confesses
A Soldier’s Wife Confesses
This came from a Soldier’s wife.
It says it all:
I sat, as did millions of other Australians, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power twelve months ago.
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Julia Gillard took her oath of office. However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 SAS Soldiers in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the Prime Minister.
It was then that I realized how far Australia's military had deteriorated……
Every one of them missed.
Tony Halliday: ~Meals on Reels ~
It takes a strong fish to swim against the current. Even a dead one can float with it
"It is always in season for old men to learn." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998)
Tony Halliday
Posts: 2500
Date Joined: 14/06/07
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING GENUINE LETTERS TO A WOMEN'S MAGAZINE:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties.
These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don't know him
well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around and when confronted with the evidence, he
denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My 40-year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
Tony Halliday: ~Meals on Reels ~
It takes a strong fish to swim against the current. Even a dead one can float with it
"It is always in season for old men to learn." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998)
The_Wanderer
Posts: 735
Date Joined: 24/09/08
A bloke's wife goes missing
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!
The_Wanderer
Posts: 735
Date Joined: 24/09/08
Little Johnny got a job in a
Little Johnny got a job in a supermarket and was told to watch the other employees and see how they sell things.
A lady walks in and asks for carpet cleaner. The bloke goes to isle 7 and comes back with carpet cleaner and a bottle of Windex.
She said "what's the Windex for?"
He said "well maam, you're cleaning the carpets anyway and the Windex is on special this week. Spray it on before you clean the carpets and by the time you're finished with the carpets, all you'll have to do is wipe the Windex off."
"Oh thankyou so much!" she replied "that's a great idea!" ....and off she went.
Johnny took note of all this and thought "this is a peice of cake!"
Shorlty after another lady walks in and Johnny jumps up to help her.... "can I help you maam?"
She says "I need a packet of tampons please".
So Johnny walks over to isles 4 and 7 and comes back with a packet of tampons and a bottle of Windex.
She's surprised and asks "what's the Windex for?"
He replied "well you're not getting laid this week, may as well clean the windows!!"
Anytime Brad
Posts: 237
Date Joined: 20/07/09
Cut and Paste
I am trying to cut and paste something into this thread but it keeps saying no content or somthing like that. What am I doing wrong?
Brad
I would rather be fishing
thesupervisor
Posts: 1136
Date Joined: 10/06/09
MEN DO REMEMBER
MEN DO REMEMBER
ANNIVERSARIES
A woman awakes during the night
to find that her husband
was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him..
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee,
'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily...
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today. '
getting the bottom line final answer from a bunch of blokes that use false names and put smiley faces at the end of paragraphs is not the best place in the world to get the information you seek.
snappermiles
Posts: 2100
Date Joined: 05/11/10
aussies
Just imagine…
- If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in QANTAS one year ago,
you would have $49.00 today!
- If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago,
you would have $33.00 today.
- If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago,
you would have $0.00 today.
- But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
- Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
It is called the 401-Keg.
- A recent study found that the average Aussie walks about 900 miles a
year. Another study found that Aussies drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Aussies get about 41 miles
to the gallon!
- Makes you damned proud to be an Aussie!
ALL FISHERMEN ARE LIARS EXCEPT YOU AND ME! AND IM NOT SO SURE ABOUT YOU!
Blue Whaler
Posts: 382
Date Joined: 05/10/10
Standing at the urinals I
Standing at the urinals I noticed this midget winking at me.. I turned
my back a bit but when i looked around he was still winking at me.. So I
said " Whats ur problem, u fuckin fancy me or something?" He said "No u
bastard.. u splashing in my eyes!
Every day at the Beach is a Good day!
scottland
Posts: 3040
Date Joined: 10/05/10
lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lgYBScMASRs&feature=related
i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers
Dizzy
Posts: 753
Date Joined: 21/02/11
The seven dwarfs go to the
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
snapper
Posts: 335
Date Joined: 09/02/08
haha
very funny
Assassin Land Based Fishing Club Member
randall df223
Posts: 6454
Date Joined: 08/08/11
rotflmao!!!
rotflmao!!!
Fish! HARD!
randall df223
Posts: 6454
Date Joined: 08/08/11
Hey, the prostitute thing is
Hey, the prostitute thing is very real!!! Men have been convicted of rape / sexual assault when they have defrauded the girl when paying for services. Because in that situation consent is only given on the understanding that payment has been made!
Fish! HARD!
scottland
Posts: 3040
Date Joined: 10/05/10
It's not rape
It's shoplifting
i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers
Dizzy
Posts: 753
Date Joined: 21/02/11
"Stop thief, you're under
"Stop thief, you're under arrest for the theft of a dick-warmer"
scottland
Posts: 3040
Date Joined: 10/05/10
So many jokes
So little time
i support two teams eagles and whoever is playing the dockers
Dale
Posts: 7930
Date Joined: 13/09/05
A prostitute goes into
A prostitute goes into hospital to have her appendix removed. Prior to the operation the surgeon talks with her and goes through the procedure with her. He comes to the part where they will need to shave her pubes. This gets the prostitute into an uproar and threatens to sue if they tough one single beautifully manicured hair down there. So anyway, after they put her under for the operation, prep work involved giving her a good clean shave. When she woke up, she went ballistic, swearing and cursing and eventually she rang her laywer who came to the hospital to talk to her. He reiterated to her that shaving was part of the op, to make the area clean. The prostitute wouldn't buy that, so the lawyer went to leave when he stopped and asked her what her occupation was. She told him she was a prostitute and the lawyer then said, yes, there is something we can get them on. The prostitute asked what that might be and the lawyer replied, for ruining the roof on your workshop.
Cheers
Dale
"Just because you are a Character, Doesn't mean you have Character."
Mr Wolf
Pob
Posts: 356
Date Joined: 13/10/10
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells .....
Caza
Posts: 209
Date Joined: 05/01/11
What's the difference a
What's the difference Between a crack dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack an re-sell it
My names mark and i'm addicted to fishing
randall df223
Posts: 6454
Date Joined: 08/08/11
Drinking beer makes you smarter
Fish! HARD!
snapper
Posts: 335
Date Joined: 09/02/08
Classic
the missus wont agree.
Assassin Land Based Fishing Club Member