http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5f2RMc4e5s

 
Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to Flemington Racecourse. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.'

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An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.

　Irish woman:''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!''

Operator:''Please calm down Ma’am. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''

 *click* .. *BANG*

Irish woman:''Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?

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  How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

This is the cleanest E-mail joke

I've come across in a long while!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her

Husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"

She asked.

"Hunting Flies"

He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"

She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

 
Intrigued, she asked.

"How can you tell them apart?"

  He responded,

"3 were on a beer can,

 2 were on the phone." 

theres two tampons crossing the road but neither of them said hello to the other, why?  because there both stuck up c*nts.

check out this awesome lip reading !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlwilbVYvUg&feature=g-logo-xit

Brilliant

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexIwT39m5Q

http://www.abc.net.au/tv/chaser/#/videoarchive/S01E03tourists/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5IKvNQLa2Gs&feature=related

A sick bastard calls a lady at home and says "I bet you've got a tight, hairy c*nt". "Oh yes" she replies - "He's sitting on the couch"

Last week I checked into my hotel in Surfers and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such.

I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call.

"Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.

We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"

"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

The Irish Bic Lighter.

Bob and Ralph were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Bob
Pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ralph for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' Ralph replied with an Irish
Accent, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Bob, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands.

'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well,' replied Ralph, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Bob asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle Box,' says Ralph.

'Could I see him?'

Ralph opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Bob says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of
Your master. Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Bob asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Bob sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky Darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Bob yells at Ralph,

'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ralph answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie
Is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to
Australia so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with
a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

I'm about to take part in the Great Bankstown Run. It's not an official
race, I just stand in the city centre & shout "Allah is a Tosser" & then off
we go....

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would
be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all
stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving
said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered
sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man its $2.50/min (charges
may vary).

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my
feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a
small white area. I've called him Bankstown.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of
ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but
I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this
beer belly.

My wife asked me how many women I had slept with. I said only you. The others used to keep me up all night shagging.