The first one is probably how Dumper got his nickname.

Brian had been in Police work for 25 years.  

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild se x, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

I would like to share with you an experience that I had last weekend whilst I am over in Sydney regarding drinking and driving.

As you would know, most of us have had brushes with the law on our way home before.

Well I did something about it last weeknd.

I'd had a few too many, so decided I would do something I'd never done before.  I decided  public transport was the go, and took the bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before!

...awoke one morning to find that the family budgie was not his usual chirpy self:

"Dad, Dad! The budgie is lying on his back, with his feet up in the air...what's wrong with him?"

Dad: "Well, little Johnny, it seems that we've lost the little fella. His feet are up in the air so God can come down and take him away."

Johnny had a think for a while and then went off and played with his mates while Dad went off to work.

That arvo, when his father came back home, little Johnny was, once again, in a rather excited state of affairs:

"Dad, Dad! We nearly lost Mum today!"

Dad: "What, how?"

Little Johnny: "Well, she was lying on her back, with her feet up in the air, and she was screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming', but luckily for us the gardener was holding her down."

A couple were driving home on a rainy night & ran over a possum, they got out & found it was still alive but freezing. So the husband said to his wife, "stick it between your legs & warm him up", the wife replies, "its all wet & it stinks", husband replies, "well hold its nose then".

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two straight men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss's car.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever…

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach, and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

22. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

23. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

24. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

25. Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

26. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

We hope this clears up any confusion,
The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

One  year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

     And that's how the fight started.....
       ________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants to Be a Millionaire while we were
in bed.

I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look  at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

       And that's when the fight started...
     ________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have  the rump steak, rare, please."

He said,  "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

       And that's when the fight  started.....

       _______________________________


My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a  drunken man swigging his drink as he
sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old  boyfriend.  I understand he took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago,  and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."

"My  God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

       And then the fight started...
       ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it  fixed.  But, somehow I always had something
else to take care of first, the shed, the  boat, making beer.. Always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of  a clever way to
make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the  tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny  pair of sewing scissors. I
watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was
gone only a minute, and when I  came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you  might as
well sweep the driveway."

          And then the fight started..

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
       ______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

         And then the fight started...
       ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage.  I hooked up the boat up to the  van
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would  be bad all day.

I went back into the house,  quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

       And that's how the fight started...

       _______________________________


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 5 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

       And then the fight started......
       ______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my  pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'
and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have  dropped your
pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

       And then the fight started...

       ________________________________


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.  I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

         And then the fight started........

      ________________________________


I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

     And that's how the fight started.

THE HORTH WHITHPERER

If you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A bloke calls his mate, the horse breeder, and says 
he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His mate asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the breeder asks him if 
he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nithe lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the breeder picks up the dwarf and he gives the 
 horse's eyes the once over.

'Nithe eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the 
horse's ears.

'Nithe earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The breeder is getting pretty ticked off by this point, 
but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the breeder grabs him under 
his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, 
 pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. 

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun 
awound a widdlebit?' 


  

Today’s funnys are tops.

Recently received this via sms -

Another great day!  Been to the gym, had a nice hot shower and I've just picked up a bottle of home brew off a neighbour for this afternoon.  I've got a few spliffs rolled up for the Xbox tournament with the lads after which I'll muck about online with some porn and gambling sites, then it's a nice blow job before I head off to bed.  I love prison!!