A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

 An old couple were in a restaurant and the old man placed order for one hamburger, chips and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered .... (wait for it) .... 'THE TEETH.'

A factory in Birmingham was scheduled to be fully automated, which led to difficult and protracted negotiations with the unions. Finally a deal was reached and a meeting was held with all workers. The Chairman of Directors gave the following address to the workers.

"This factory will be fully automated and will no longer require any workers. However an agreement has been reached with your union leaders. All workers will continue to be paid their full wages, including allowances, for the rest of your lives. All you have to do is turn up each Monday morning to collect your pay packet."

There was complete silence in the hall, you could hear a pin drop. Then a small voice was heard from the back of the crowd.

"Wot, every Monday."

 Haven't seen that before gilly !! That's so dam 

funny !!!! Good luck on the weeknd bud !!! Pirate