this is all ways a great way to start my friday off ,thanks ledge

   jeff

hahaha

Little Akio.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some History.
Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Akio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! -- Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Little Akio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

"Excellent!" said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult –
Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?"

Once again, Akio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves,
Little Akio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."

"Who said that? -- I want to know right now!? she angrily demanded.

Little Akio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glares around and asks, 'All right! -- Now who said that?"

Again, Little Akio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!"

Little Akio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!"

Little Akio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted. As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, We're screwed!"

Little Akio said quietly, "The Australian people, when Rudd was re-elected by the Labor Caucus, June 2013."

The big thing for Russians these days is to have cameras in their vehicles. Check this to see what they see. Scary stuff!!

Cheers

Dale

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=5RAaW_1FzYg

Did the dog on the lead survive that is the best bit of video I've seen in a long while thank you for sharing.
I had tears running down my face laughing at it, yes I know I have a sick sense of humour.

Alot of F and HS comin outa my mouth in that vid Dale. You do see the dog run off. Thats a vid of all the near misses, I bet theres ones of the not so fortunate, not on youtube tho

i did the shoe thing. IT WORKS! crazy

drop the bass! I know, its a carp.

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back patio and filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.


Then came the crap. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit in my own back garden anymore.



So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.



I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see..... our government gives out free food,subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegal's came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your child's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than the our Flag are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.

The Kiwi says to the Australian:
You see how clever we are?
You'll never beat that!

The Australian says to the Kiwi:
Watch this, an Australian is always cleverer than a Kiwi.

He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

Give me another cookie for my magic trick.
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him.
He eats this one too.

Then he says again:
Give me one more cookie...
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

The Australian eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells:
And where is your famous magic trick?

The Australian says:
Look in the Kiwi's pocket!

The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time….

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin , 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself , they’ve lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!!! Blow this , I thought , I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.

Statistically , 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning , can you believe that , 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says “Mick , I’m thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

Man calls 999 and says “I think my wife is dead” The operator says how do you know? He says “The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!”

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well , she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said, "I would like to come back as a cow".  I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

The wife was counting all the 5 cents and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself , “She’s going through the change.”

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean , it’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the ‘knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says “Oh , I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

Murphy says to Paddy “What ya talkin to an envelope for?”  “I’m sending a voicemail ya thick sod!”

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.  It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema,  the ticket lady asks “Why so many of you?”
Mick replies , “The film said 18 or over.”

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

Something about an Australian male's sense of humour !!

I was listening to the radio this morning when the Host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives:

Best call was from the brave chap who called his wife "Harvey Norman" explaining ...

Absolutely no interest for 36 months

Ed the Chicken

Ed came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ed.'

Ed was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've Got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ed was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground..

A rooster strolled past. 'So, You're the new hen, huh? How's your first day Here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ed the hen, 'but I have this Strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.  'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ed.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming..

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....

"Ed, wake up! You've shat the bed!"

A man was sitting in the bar at Sydney Airline Terminal and noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous - she must be an air hostess. I wonder which airline she works for.

"I still call Australia home," he says to her.

She pulled away from him and gave an ice-cold glare. "Obviously not with QANTAS, " he thought.

Still hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?."

She gave him a blank stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, he leaned towards her again and said, "Something special in the air."

She gave him the same look, and he mentally scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.

He thought, "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways...." and said, "Smooth as silk."

This time, the woman turned on him and said, "What the &%*# do you want ?"

The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said, "Ahhhhh, Jetstar !!"