An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother,


'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.



The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.



The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'



The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
And she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,


'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!'

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones sales pitch.Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were women; one was a man. They all decided after the rope started to give way that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the man gave a really touching speech, saying how he would give up his life to save the others, because men were used to giving things up for their wives and children and giving in to women. All of the women started clapping.

 the importance of issuing clear instructions.....lol

classic

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while....then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks...... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said.. "Oh, that's so lovely.. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.

 What do you call a room full of lesbians? A bunch of c@$&s

What has four legs and an arm?

A very happy pit bull  

an old girl in a nursing home is wandering the halls lifting her skirt to crotch height and saying supersex, supersex. She comes upon an old boy in a wheelchair at the kiosk. She approaches the old guy ' lifts her skirt and says supersex supersex . The old boy stops and thinks for a moment and says " I think I'll take the soup". 

An Arab entered a taxi.

Once he was seated he asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which was music of the infidel.


So the cab driver politely switched off the radio, stoped the cab and opened the back door.


The Arab asked him: “What are you doing man?”


The cabby answered: “In the time of the prophet, Abdul, there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
"We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.

"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!

"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."