Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."

"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how'd ya do?
" First Place ," said Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.

"What happened?" they asked.


"Who the flamin' hell is Gillard ?" asked Pinocchio.

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help.

Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."

Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.

Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."

Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog.

Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!"

Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?"

Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No. NO!"

The Williams sisters were recently discussing the problem of drugs
in the warm-up room before a doubles match.

"I think Dad might be slipping us steroids," whispered Serena.
"What makes you say that?" replied a stunned Venus.

"Well", started Serena embarrassingly, "I've started to grow hair on parts
of my body that have never had hair before!"

"Shit ... like where?" Venus asked.
"Like all over my balls!" Serena replied.

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten pounds and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I must spend my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you CRAZY!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you to dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for that. I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she gives up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

 walked into my local maccas the other day and saw a lady behind the counter wearing a burka but it was a bit tatty and sore on the eyes so I decided to go across to hj's... same thing again there was a lady behind the counter wearing a burka but it was much neater and presentable so I ordered meal and then i realised.....the burkas are better at hungry jacks :) haha

South Effricken Humour

I think everyone’s been a bit harsh on Oscar Pistorious.

I mean who hasn’t come home legless & pumped a few into their Mrs ………….

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.

She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her.

It was the silence of the limbs.

Oscar Pistorius, Not the first South African with a race problem.

When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?

Absolutely shocking news from South Africa.
White man arrested for murder.

Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.

Surely Oscar Pistorious can’t be the first man to wake up legless on Valentine’s day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!

I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.

What do you call a room full of dead people?
An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party.

Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.

I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.

A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorious, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it.
That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.

And the Oscar goes to...
Prison.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KZ8IethsyIQ

seems to be a lot of vocal goats around lately

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0CdXaOS5_o

has had a smile on my face all day, must have watched it 10 times today

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Nigella Lawson written on my forehead?"

A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.

Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".

His mom is taken by suprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The little boy says, That won't work"

His Mom says, "WHY?"

The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eCbGrMfQ-g&NR=1&feature=endscreen

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne
and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new
wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and
weird.

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio . The disease only affected my toes."

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked

"What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained..

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.

As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said.

"Let me guess...



Smallcox

Hey 'Wanderer'. Bit rough on OscarPistorius there mate. I heard that they found irrefutable evidence of his innocence outside his house... footprints.