friday funnies
Submitted by Timmo on Fri, 2010-11-19 11:19
Will I live to be 80;
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."
"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"
"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."
He looked at me and said, "Then why do you give a shit?
carnarvonite
Posts: 8686
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Sperm Bank
Paddy and Mick were heading off to give donations to the sperm bank.
Paddy came on the bus and Mick missed the tube.
Rodrat
Posts: 1672
Date Joined: 13/01/07
Dilemma
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, “Stop! Stop! You’re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?” The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, “Nope. You are. I’m going to set the garage on fire!”
FISH FOR THE FUTURE
Tony Halliday
Posts: 2500
Date Joined: 14/06/07
A young woman was about to
A young woman was about to finish her first year of university. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very labor minded, and she was very much in favour of higher taxes to support more government programs – in other words, the redistribution of wealth.
She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch blue-ribbon liberal, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had attended, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harboured an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.
One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.
The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth, and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing at university.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 90% average, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many university friends because she spent all her time studying.
Her father listened and then asked, “How is your friend Audrey doing?”She replied, “Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 50% average. She is so popular on campus; university for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties, and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.”
Her wise father asked his daughter, “Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 20% off your average and give it to your friend who only has 50%. That way you will both have a 70% average, and certainly that would be fair and equal.”
The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, “That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!”
The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, “Welcome to the Liberal party , here is your application form.”
Tony Halliday: ~Meals on Reels ~
It takes a strong fish to swim against the current. Even a dead one can float with it
"It is always in season for old men to learn." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998)
hlokk
Posts: 4293
Date Joined: 04/04/08
Completely balancing out?
Completely balancing out? You mean the socialist party then?
A few fishing ones (probably heard most before).
Two men are fishing on a boat in a river when a funeral procession passes over a nearby bridge. Bob stands up on the boat and holds his hat to his chest until it drives out of sight. His mate is touched by this and asks why did such a nice gesture.
"Well, I was married to her for 40 years, it was the least I could do".
Three guys are sitting out on a boat when they start talking about what they had to do to get a days fishing.
The first guy says "My wife was unbelievable. I had to promise to mow the law, tidy the shed, take the kids to school every day for the next two weeks and cook her a big home cooked meal tonight".
"Thats nothing" says the second guy, "I have to paint the whole house, drive the kids to and from school for a month, meet with the inlaws for dinner twice next week, and then I have to take her out shopping for jewellry"
"How about you Joe"
"Ah. Too easy. Just rolled over in the morning to the wife and said fishing or sex. She said take a hat"
A guy pulls up to the ramp with a huge marlin strapped to the back of the boat. At the same time another guy in a tiny little tinny pulls up next to him on the jetty with a dozen gardies in his bucket. He spots the marlin on the other guys boat and pipes up: "Tough luck mate! Only catch one eh?"
Tony Halliday
Posts: 2500
Date Joined: 14/06/07
for those that fight with office machinary every day
Make sure you watch this with sound. Excellent.
Check out this video on YouTube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSK1D3bZhRs&feature=youtube_gdata_player
yip I relate to this one!
Tony Halliday: ~Meals on Reels ~
It takes a strong fish to swim against the current. Even a dead one can float with it
"It is always in season for old men to learn." Aeschylus (525-456 BC)
"In a mad world only the mad are sane." Akira Kurosawa (1910-1998)
carnarvonite
Posts: 8686
Date Joined: 24/07/07
Paddy again
An Irishman is rowing his boat in a paddock of hay. Paddy drives past and stops.
He calls out, "its thick twits like you who give us Irish a bad name. I'd come over there and kick the shirt out of you if I could swim!!"
Rodrat
Posts: 1672
Date Joined: 13/01/07
Good old blondes
A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 Oclock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldnt jump.Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, "I cant take this, youre my friend."But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bets a bet."Then the redhead said "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 Oclock news, so I cant take your money."The blonde replied "Well, so did I, but I didnt think he would jump again!"
FISH FOR THE FUTURE