Best use for an okuma

Wooden ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.."
 

 Just have to like Gods little angles, will never tire of seeing body painting.

lookforward to next Friday. Tight lines.

a bloke was standing at the bar and a hot chick comes and stands next to him

he says "you remind me of my little toe"

she replies "what ? you mean im small and cute"

he says "no, i'll probably bang you on the coffee table later when im drunk"

My wife being the romantic sort, just sent me a text.............

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you xxx."



I replied........"I am having a shit. What should I do?"

Why I'm Divorcing............


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday..'

I thought....well, that's marriage for you, but the kids..... they will remember.

My kids came bouncing down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office I felt pretty low.

As I walked into my office, my handsome boss Rick, said, 'Good morning, lady, and by the way Happy Birthday!' It felt nice that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Rick knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, 'If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, he came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my husband, my kids, and a dozen of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.



And I just sat there....



on the couch....



naked.

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
Husband: "Definitely not!"
Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
Husband: "Of course I do."
Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."
Wife: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
Husband: (makes audible groan).
Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"
Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
Husband: "No, she's left-handed."
- - - silence - - -
Husband: "Shit."

One day, at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher instructs the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.

The following day, the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm, and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and little Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next, little Lucy speaks, "Well, my dad owns a farm too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in an incubator. Last weekend, only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched."
The teacher asks for the moral of the story, and little Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last but not least, little Johnny speaks, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 of them with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then, the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands."

The teacher looks at little Johnny with shock, and asks if there could possibly be any moral to his story.

Little Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."